Clueless and Thinking
Didn’t I hated her wasting her whole day talking useless stuff, worthless hmms and hiiiis all time, didn’t I despised her kissing the ugliest man she could find, didn’t I loathed how he decreased himself to the level of walking with her, didn’t I hate how she moved away from the world, Didn’t I hated them eyeing others while walking hand in hand with them, didn’t I hate them glorifying themselves, the way they hide their weakness, the way they portray as gods and goddesses, the pure notion of love, deep love, words from Wordsworth and shakes from Shakespeare. I was always in favour of casual dating, falling in attraction, flirting naughtily, seducing bitchily but I don’t have any idea when I fell in love to lock myself in the prison. And wait a minute may be my list can be reversed, may be I just hated the things I hated because I wanted to do them and could not do that or rather I was jealous of them or was acting grapes are sour. And obviously I was in favour of my mentioned list because that was all I can get. Well I am clueless about my choice and I am thinking, will keep on thinking.
But for now I am engaged in my former despising list and I have no idea what I want, am I complete, well human beings can never be satiated, so I am just baby crying and asking for the far off moon, no one gets or maybe I am really in mess and unable to handle the situation or I did a mistake to think this was love or I am doing an even bigger mistake letting it go like this. Well once again I am clueless and I am thinking and will keep on thinking.
But let’s remember the time when I was engaged in my formerly declared favoured list. I hated myself even then, I was low on confidence, I was jealous, incomplete, incompetent, lost and lonely and dejected, emotionally wrecked, mentally wretched, psychologically traumatised. I was irritated of my shaking life and wanted a stable ground to stand on or some fixed pole to hold on to. And all I wanted was someone, someone to hold my hand, someone to help me always, someone to take care of me, to walk with me always, to talk to me and to listen me and to really understand me and if maybe possible to solve my problem. And I was on cloud nine when I got that, really happy but now once again I am falling or rather I missed that freefall so much that I am fantasising that freefall in my delirium. Yeah you get bored of the happiness so you bring in some tension yourself for a change. But probably I really miss the old free fall, and now how can you fall from a stable ground. Am I bored of standing, No probably I want to stand, fall, fly on my wish and whose wish is ever fulfilled, and who will fulfil the wish or better who can, when wisher himself has no idea what he is wishing. Oh Do I have the slightest idea of what I think or what I am feeling, what makes me happy, what makes me sad or what I really desire or what am I searching? I am clueless and I am thinking.
At times I think I am so much influenced by my environment that I only wish what environment makes me wish, what it has programmed me to wish in all my training years. Obviously I am a neural network trained by thousands of inputs to give desired outcome or say if I am human brain that can act freely; then I can capriciously desire all things, opposite things one moment from other, pursue anything, and desire their sadness and still be normal, but maybe I am a human mind trapped in neural network, so I am swinging, swing from one extreme to other. So what I wish is a difficult question, very difficult and I am clueless and I am thinking.
Well after all this thinking and writing, my final conclusion is that I am clueless and I should think.
But for now I am engaged in my former despising list and I have no idea what I want, am I complete, well human beings can never be satiated, so I am just baby crying and asking for the far off moon, no one gets or maybe I am really in mess and unable to handle the situation or I did a mistake to think this was love or I am doing an even bigger mistake letting it go like this. Well once again I am clueless and I am thinking and will keep on thinking.
But let’s remember the time when I was engaged in my formerly declared favoured list. I hated myself even then, I was low on confidence, I was jealous, incomplete, incompetent, lost and lonely and dejected, emotionally wrecked, mentally wretched, psychologically traumatised. I was irritated of my shaking life and wanted a stable ground to stand on or some fixed pole to hold on to. And all I wanted was someone, someone to hold my hand, someone to help me always, someone to take care of me, to walk with me always, to talk to me and to listen me and to really understand me and if maybe possible to solve my problem. And I was on cloud nine when I got that, really happy but now once again I am falling or rather I missed that freefall so much that I am fantasising that freefall in my delirium. Yeah you get bored of the happiness so you bring in some tension yourself for a change. But probably I really miss the old free fall, and now how can you fall from a stable ground. Am I bored of standing, No probably I want to stand, fall, fly on my wish and whose wish is ever fulfilled, and who will fulfil the wish or better who can, when wisher himself has no idea what he is wishing. Oh Do I have the slightest idea of what I think or what I am feeling, what makes me happy, what makes me sad or what I really desire or what am I searching? I am clueless and I am thinking.
At times I think I am so much influenced by my environment that I only wish what environment makes me wish, what it has programmed me to wish in all my training years. Obviously I am a neural network trained by thousands of inputs to give desired outcome or say if I am human brain that can act freely; then I can capriciously desire all things, opposite things one moment from other, pursue anything, and desire their sadness and still be normal, but maybe I am a human mind trapped in neural network, so I am swinging, swing from one extreme to other. So what I wish is a difficult question, very difficult and I am clueless and I am thinking.
Well after all this thinking and writing, my final conclusion is that I am clueless and I should think.
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